In the mind of Melancholic martyr

Hello readers! This my little version of a glimpse through the mind of one depressed.
Guys also do remember that if you are in emotional distress or are having suicidal thoughts please reach out for. You are not alone. You are loved. You matter. It does get better, trust me.

"I look at the world, in its blues and its greys
There are no other colors, just varying shades
Happiness comes … but it never stays
Like the scent on your letters, it inevitably fades"
-Ratani Suzuki

I asked a melancholic soul, what pain is? What it means?I asked how pain feels? What it does to you?
The soul answered, “ It’s the wounds that never show on your body but are way deeper and hurtful than anything that bleeds. It is a prison in your mind where you are the prisoner suffering and you are the ruthless jailer.It is the absence of the want to ever be cheerful again. The absence of hope.It is the cruelest monster in your head, a feeling you can never escape- PAIN.I asked what is pain?

Pain is seeing your muscles, your mind, your bones burn with an angry flame. Pain is feeling that flame seep its way deep inside your brain, your body, your conscience, your existence. It tortures you to no extent. Pain and agony eats you up from the inside, tearing off flesh after flesh. Experiencing pain can tumble you downwards into one of the scariest, deepest, darkest holes. You scratch at the walls of pain, your nails digging deep in as you desperately try to climb out and be free. It doesn't work. All you can do is die the slow painful death it offers you. All you can do is submit yourself to it and give up control on your own life. All you can do is look at the others happy around you. All you can do is wish to experience that same happiness, the feeling of having someone who cares, someone who stands by you no matter what. All you can do is dream how it feels to have no baggage on your shoulders, not being a burden.
All you can do is let yourself be numb, cold, lifeless, simply like a stone.
You can stand in a crowd but still feel lonely.
You can be with your family and friends but still, feel like a stranger.
You can have all fame, success, money, attention but still, feel incomplete.
Still feel broken, torn, numb, undeserving.
Feel disgusted with your own self.
Perfecta facade, hiding your true self from everyone.
Being too scared of opening up. Petrified at the thought of sharing their deepest fears. Never being able to trust anyone. All you can do is stay and watch your life slip out of your own hands and keep thinking "what was my mistake?" as the slow poison spread through your body, flowing through your icy veins. Making you numb, lifeless and just simply existing.
This is pain.

Sirisha Srinivas
Writer,Content Editor,Social media manager
Philomath Team